I really thought we'd meet you. With the three successful pregnancies that preceded the first miscarriage, I really thought that this time things would be ok. Yes, I know probability doesn't work like that. But still, I felt that we would meet you. That's not to say that there wasn't worry (boy was there worry!), but ultimately I really thought that this time would be ok.
Once again, I'm grieving. Grieving for a new life that I never got to know. For a child that I never got to hold, never got to snuggle on my chest. Grieving for a child that never got to know his older brothers and sisters. Grieving for the missed chance for my youngest to be a big brother. Grieving for the excitement of discovering who this new life would turn out to be.
It's painful. It's certainly helped by the three healthy children that we have (and I'm not lost as to the privilege of having them). But it is painful right now. In time the pain will lessen, but I think that there will always be a sense of a gap.
To Caitlin and Freddie - I'll always be sad not to have known you…