Feeling cheated

It’s funny the things that can trigger off a series of thoughts and emotions. It’s hard to know for sure, but I think that on this occasion I think a few of things came together: an article from a funeral director asking people to stand an pay respects if they see a cortege as with the COVID-19 restrictions the actual funeral ceremony is rather sparse (this in turn prompted a strange dream which let me in an odd mood for the day); seeing my neighbour and his son putting up a pergola; and assembling a Raspberry-Pi based project!

All of a sudden, there it was: the feeling of loss, of having been cheated.

I wonder what we’d have built together if we’d had more time? What other skills would you have imparted? What laughs and connection would we have had?

I so desperately want to have had these times, and yet… I can’t truly wish that I had had them. To wish that would mean that life wouldn’t have brought me to here. I wouldn’t have met my amazing wife, wouldn’t have had my three wonderful children, wouldn’t have met my 2nd and 3rd Dads, the list goes on.

But it is hard.

And I’ll always wonder…

What times might we have shared? What projects would I have helped you with? What projects would we have dreamt up?

And then there are all the things I want to be able to share with you. You never met my wife and children. Never knew that I went to university or took up programming. What would your reaction to a Raspberry Pi be? Sometimes I look at one and think I’m marvelling at it for the both of us. You never saw the photos that I hand-developed. You never saw me dance and teach salsa with my wife. The list is long.

And what about all the hugs that never were? And hugs where we would have been eye-to-eye!

I can’t wish it any other way, so I grieve for the things that feel like they should have been, but never could be.

I miss you Dad x

Posted on 13 April 2020

family  bereavement  loss